Please find below the latest Lo Fidelity Bicycle Club Highway Code update which I hope you approve of.
204 The most vulnerable road users are pedestrians, cyclists, motorcyclists and horse riders. It is particularly important to be aware of children, older and disabled people, and learner and inexperienced drivers and riders, as they WILL hold you up. Always remind them that they need to pay ‘Road Tax’, despite there being no such thing since 1937 and motorists don’t pay for the roads.
205 There is a risk of pedestrians, especially children, stepping unexpectedly into the road. You should drive with the safety of children in mind at a speed suitable for the conditions. That means NOT driving everywhere like Tiger Woods after a tipple.
206 Drive carefully and slowly UNLESS you are in a hurry when
- in crowded shopping streets, Home Zones and Quiet Lanes (see Rule 218) or residential areas or anywhere where other people just as important as you are trying to conduct their lives
- driving past bus and tram stops UNLESS there is a puddle
- passing parked vehicles, especially ice cream vans; children are more interested in ice cream than traffic and may run into the road unexpectedly which won’t help as you are more interested in ice cream than traffic.
- needing to cross a pavement or cycle track; for example, to reach or leave a driveway. Give way to pedestrians and cyclists on the pavement if you can spot them at the speed you’re doing.
- reversing into a side road; look all around the vehicle and give way to any pedestrians who may be crossing the road ONLY when you hear a yell or the sound of sudden braking or feel a thump on the roof. ONLY then put your mobile phone down.
- turning at road junctions; give way to pedestrians who are already crossing the road into which you are turning ONLY if they’ve nearly made it to the other kerb. Otherwise they are fair game.
- the pavement is closed due to street repairs and pedestrians are directed to use the road. However, there will be 20,000 cones out to show exactly where your lane is so you could speed up a bit.
- approaching pedestrians on narrow rural roads without a footway or footpath. Always look surprised as though they are trespassing on your private road. Apply the brakes from 60mph and blame them and the road (signage/surfacing/sight lines etc) for being at fault.
- when approaching a speed camera (that is still switched on). They are there ONLY to extract money from the poor beleaguered motorist.
207 Particularly vulnerable pedestrians. These include
- children and older pedestrians who may not be able to judge your speed and could step into the road in front of you. At your usual speed (50mph+) your vehicle will probably kill any pedestrians it hits. At 20 mph there is only a 1 in 20 chance of the pedestrian being killed. But of course, it will NOT happen to you because your driving is perfect in every way.
- older pedestrians who may need more time to cross the road. Be patient and allow them to cross in their own time. Do not hurry them by revving your engine or edging forward as they are probably a bit blind and deaf as well so you’re wasting your precious energy. Some may have been in a World War to fight for your freedom and liberty to drive like a privileged twat.
- people with disabilities. People with hearing impairments may not be aware of your vehicle approaching. Those with walking difficulties require more time so drive up to them quickly and brake suddenly to emphasise who is in the greater hurry.
- blind or partially sighted people, who may be carrying a white cane or using a guide dog. They may not be able to see you approaching. You can recreate this effect by tuning in your car radio or looking at the road atlas on the passenger seat.
208 Near schools. Drive slowly and be particularly aware of young cyclists and pedestrians UNLESS your children need to get to school. In some places, there may be a flashing amber signal below the ‘School’ warning sign which you may notice informing you that other people’s less important children may be crossing the road ahead. Act with incredulity that other people have also chosen to drive their children. Position your vehicle as close to the school as you can in the manner of a car thief fleeing a scene.
209 Drive at your normal carefree speed when passing a stationary bus and notice the ‘School Bus’ sign at the last second as children may be getting on or off.
210 You MUST stop when a school crossing patrol shows a ‘Stop for children’ sign but ONLY after you increased your speed to try and beat them (see ‘Signals by authorised persons that will diminish with Coalition Government cuts’ and ‘Signs giving orders to be Ignored’) [Law RTRA sect 28]
Motorcyclists and cyclists
211 It is often difficult to see motorcyclists and cyclists whilst tuning the radio or picking your nose, especially when they are coming up from behind, coming out of junctions, at roundabouts, overtaking you or filtering through traffic as they have a lot more freedom than you’ll ever know. Always look out for them before you emerge from a junction; they could be approaching faster than you think (INCLUDING Brompton riders). When turning right across a line of slow-moving or stationary traffic, look surprised at cyclists or motorcyclists on the inside of the traffic you are crossing or hide behind the hand you have raised to indicate ‘thanks, but I’m pulling out anyway’ (see hand signals). Be especially careful when turning, and when changing direction or lane (driving in other words). Be sure to check mirrors and blind spots carefully before getting distracted by the radio again.
212 When passing cyclists, give them plenty of room UNLESS they are wearing a helmet. If they look over their shoulder it could mean that they intend to pull out, turn right or that they simply don’t trust modern driving standards. Give them time and space to do so which in your expert terms means two seconds and 50cm.
213 Motorcyclists and cyclists may suddenly need to avoid uneven road surfaces and obstacles such as drain covers or oily, wet or icy patches on the road which the cycle lane runs through. Give them plenty of room and pay particular attention to any sudden change of direction they may have to make by sounding your horn, winding down your window and informing them that they should NOT be on the road (also see Rule 204).
Other road users
214 Animals. When passing animals, drive slowly. Give them plenty of room and be ready to stop. Do not scare animals by sounding your horn, revving your engine or accelerating rapidly once you have passed them IF you think anyone is watching. Keep your speed at bends and on narrow country roads as Mother Nature is clearly throwing you a challenge which you will accept as you’ve just wasted thousands that you can’t really afford on a Subaru Impreza to prop up your miserable life. If a road is blocked by a herd of animals, drive slowly at them like a large metallic goat herd until they have left the road whilst listening to your partner warble on about how nice it must be to live in the countryside. Watch out for animals on unfenced roads although the locals drive through National Parks as though they have just robbed a bank at gunpoint. If a badger is lying at the side of the road with its legs in the air it’s because a motorist has killed it. It is NOT trying to look cute.
215 Horse riders and horse-drawn vehicles. Be particularly careful of horse riders and horse-drawn vehicles especially when overtaking. Always pass wide and slowly. Horse riders are often children, and their parents will be Barristers or Magistrates, so take extra care. Take great care and treat all horses as a potential hazard, particularly when connected to a Romany carriage; both horse/driver can be unpredictable, especially with alcohol.
216 Older drivers. Their reactions may be slower than other drivers and they MAY be wearing hats. Make allowance for them by informing your occupants or The Jeremy Vine Show that there should be compulsory re-testing at retirement age.
217 Learners and inexperienced drivers. They may not be so skilful at anticipating and responding to events. This will diminish further after they’ve passed their test. Be particularly patient with learner drivers and young drivers as they haven’t realised how much of a hurry you always need to be in the ‘Rat Race’. Drivers who have recently passed their test may display a ‘new driver’ plate or sticker, especially if it’s their parent’s car, as they don’t want their insurance premium to rival the cost of China’s Space programme.
218 Home Zones and Quiet Lanes. These are places where people used to use the whole of the road for a range of activities such as children playing or for a community event such as the end of World War II or the Wedding of Charles & Di. You should drive slowly and carefully UNLESS it’s a handy cut through, in which case be prepared to swear and make a gesturing motion with your hands (see Hand Signals). Sound your horn to alert residents who may trying to load a child seat or unload shopping of your presence and that you desperately need to get through. Try playing loud music to amplify the sense of urgency.
219 Emergency and Incident Support vehicles. You should look and listen for ambulances, fire engines, police, doctors or other emergency vehicles using flashing blue, red or green lights and sirens or flashing headlights, or Incident Support vehicles using flashing amber lights. When one approaches do NOT panic, as they probably didn’t spot you suddenly dropping your speed or your mobile below windscreen level. Consider the route of such a vehicle and take appropriate action to let it pass, while complying with all traffic signs and ignoring everyone else. If necessary, pull to the side of the road and stop, but try to avoid stopping before the brow of a hill, a bend or narrow section of road so speed up to match the emergency vehicle to get past these places. Impress other road users or pedestrians by mounting the kerb in the same way that Starsky & Hutch may have detained a pimp. Do NOT brake harshly on approach to a junction or roundabout, as a following vehicle may also be tuning their radio.
220 Powered vehicles used by disabled people. These small vehicles travel at a maximum speed of 8 mph (12 km/h). On a dual carriageway where the speed limit exceeds 50 mph (80 km/h) they MUST have a flashing amber beacon, although they are ONLY there because they are hopelessly lost and just nipped out to buy some digestive biscuits for the snooker on BBC2. On other roads you may not have that advance warning. You’ll blame the road, saying it isn’t ‘engineered’ enough. You’ll even blame the disabled person for being there in the first place. Do NOT look in a mirror as you may finally realise where the problem really is. [Law RVLR reg 17(1) & 26]
221 Large vehicles. These may need extra road space to turn or to deal with a hazard that you are not able to see. If you are following a large vehicle, such as a bus or articulated lorry, be aware that the driver may not be able to see your simmering fury in the mirrors. Be prepared to stop and wait and make loud huffing/tutting noises if it needs room or time to turn, otherwise try and overtake them at EVERY opportunity.
222 Large vehicles can block your view. Your ability to see and to plan ahead will be improved if you attempt to overtake them at every opportunity. TRY and be patient, as you can when away from a steering wheel, as larger vehicles are subject to lower speed limits than cars and motorcycles. Many large vehicles may be fitted with speed limiting devices which will restrict speed to 56 mph (90 km/h) even on a motorway. If all cars were fitted with the same devices, there would NOT need to be as many rules or deaths or serious injury but society won’t discuss this for some reason.
223 Buses, coaches and trams. Give priority to these vehicles when you can do so safely. If they signal to pull away from stops, increase your speed and try to get round them. Look out for people getting off a bus or tram and crossing the road as they will clearly be poorer than you because they are NOT in a car.
224 Electric vehicles. Be careful of electric vehicles such as milk floats and trams as they will hold you up. Trams move quickly but silently and cannot steer to avoid you. If you thought they could than do NOT go anywhere near a car, or do anything involving thought.
225 Vehicles with flashing amber beacons. These warn of a slow-moving or stationary vehicle such as a Traffic Officer vehicle (non-important), salt spreader, snow plough (you’ll be bunking off work by that stage anyway) or recovery vehicle or abnormal loads or cheap wedding reception DJ, so approach with caution. On unrestricted dual carriageways, motor vehicles first used on or after 1 January 1947 with a maximum speed of 25 mph (40 km/h) or less (such as tractors or old people) MUST use a flashing amber beacon (also see Rule 220). [Law RVLR 1989, reg 17]
2 thoughts on “The Highway Code (Road users requiring extra care) – The Lo Fidelity Bicycle Club Version”
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Problem is, it’ll never be read by it’s intended target (the motorist) because 9¾ out of every 10 motorists haven’t read or even seen a copy of the *official* Higway Code since they ‘passed’ their tests, however soon it was.
(the remaining ¼ are using their copy of the Highway Code to prop up the television stand)
In fact, almost all motorists would be more able to tell you the exact location of the Holy Grail, than say with any certainty where their Highway Code is.