The Highway Code (Road users requiring extra care) – The Lo Fidelity Bicycle Club Version

Please find below the latest Lo Fidelity Bicycle Club Highway Code update which I hope you approve of.

204 The most vulnerable road users are pedestrians, cyclists, motorcyclists and horse riders. It is particularly important to be aware of children, older and disabled people, and learner and inexperienced drivers and riders, as they WILL hold you up. Always remind them that they need to pay ‘Road Tax’, despite there being no such thing since 1937 and motorists don’t pay for the roads.

Pedestrians

205 There is a risk of pedestrians, especially children, stepping unexpectedly into the road. You should drive with the safety of children in mind at a speed suitable for the conditions. That means NOT driving everywhere like Tiger Woods after a tipple.

206 Drive carefully and slowly UNLESS you are in a hurry when

  • in crowded shopping streets, Home Zones and Quiet Lanes (see Rule 218) or residential areas or anywhere where other people just as important as you are trying to conduct their lives
  • driving past bus and tram stops UNLESS there is a puddle
  • passing parked vehicles, especially ice cream vans; children are more interested in ice cream than traffic and may run into the road unexpectedly which won’t help as you are more interested in ice cream than traffic.
  • needing to cross a pavement or cycle track; for example, to reach or leave a driveway. Give way to pedestrians and cyclists on the pavement if you can spot them at the speed you’re doing.
  • reversing into a side road; look all around the vehicle and give way to any pedestrians who may be crossing the road ONLY when you hear a yell or the sound of sudden braking or feel a thump on the roof. ONLY then put your mobile phone down.
  • turning at road junctions; give way to pedestrians who are already crossing the road into which you are turning ONLY if they’ve nearly made it to the other kerb. Otherwise they are fair game.
  • the pavement is closed due to street repairs and pedestrians are directed to use the road. However, there will be 20,000 cones out to show exactly where your lane is so you could speed up a bit.
  • approaching pedestrians on narrow rural roads without a footway or footpath. Always look surprised as though they are trespassing on your private road. Apply the brakes from 60mph and blame them and the road (signage/surfacing/sight lines etc) for being at fault.
  • when approaching a speed camera (that is still switched on). They are there ONLY to extract money from the poor beleaguered motorist.
 
 
 
 
 

Rule 206 - It's just a big obstacle course

207 Particularly vulnerable pedestrians. These include

  • children and older pedestrians who may not be able to judge your speed and could step into the road in front of you. At your usual speed (50mph+) your vehicle will probably kill any pedestrians it hits. At 20 mph there is only a 1 in 20 chance of the pedestrian being killed. But of course, it will NOT happen to you because your driving is perfect in every way.
  • older pedestrians who may need more time to cross the road. Be patient and allow them to cross in their own time. Do not hurry them by revving your engine or edging forward as they are probably a bit blind and deaf as well so you’re wasting your precious energy. Some may have been in a World War to fight for your freedom and liberty to drive like a privileged twat.
  • people with disabilities. People with hearing impairments may not be aware of your vehicle approaching. Those with walking difficulties require more time so drive up to them quickly and brake suddenly to emphasise who is in the greater hurry.
  • blind or partially sighted people, who may be carrying a white cane or using a guide dog. They may not be able to see you approaching. You can recreate this effect by tuning in your car radio or looking at the road atlas on the passenger seat.

208 Near schools. Drive slowly and be particularly aware of young cyclists and pedestrians UNLESS your children need to get to school. In some places, there may be a flashing amber signal below the ‘School’ warning sign which you may notice informing you that other people’s less important children may be crossing the road ahead. Act with incredulity that other people have also chosen to drive their children. Position your vehicle as close to the school as you can in the manner of a car thief fleeing a scene.

209 Drive at your normal carefree speed when passing a stationary bus and notice the ‘School Bus’ sign at the last second as children may be getting on or off.

210 You MUST stop when a school crossing patrol shows a ‘Stop for children’ sign but ONLY after you increased your speed to try and beat them (see ‘Signals by authorised persons that will diminish with Coalition Government cuts’ and ‘Signs giving orders to be Ignored’)  [Law RTRA sect 28]

Motorcyclists and cyclists

211 It is often difficult to see motorcyclists and cyclists whilst tuning the radio or picking your nose, especially when they are coming up from behind, coming out of junctions, at roundabouts, overtaking you or filtering through traffic as they have a lot more freedom than you’ll ever know. Always look out for them before you emerge from a junction; they could be approaching faster than you think (INCLUDING Brompton riders). When turning right across a line of slow-moving or stationary traffic, look surprised at cyclists or motorcyclists on the inside of the traffic you are crossing or hide behind the hand you have raised  to indicate ‘thanks, but I’m pulling out anyway’ (see hand signals). Be especially careful when turning, and when changing direction or lane (driving in other words). Be sure to check mirrors and blind spots carefully before getting distracted by the radio again.

212 When passing cyclists, give them plenty of room UNLESS they are wearing a helmet. If they look over their shoulder it could mean that they intend to pull out, turn right or that they simply don’t trust modern driving standards. Give them time and space to do so which in your expert terms means two seconds and 50cm.

213 Motorcyclists and cyclists may suddenly need to avoid uneven road surfaces and obstacles such as drain covers or oily, wet or icy patches on the road which the cycle lane runs through. Give them plenty of room and pay particular attention to any sudden change of direction they may have to make by sounding your horn, winding down your window and informing them that they should NOT be on the road (also see Rule 204).

Other road users

214 Animals. When passing animals, drive slowly. Give them plenty of room and be ready to stop. Do not scare animals by sounding your horn, revving your engine or accelerating rapidly once you have passed them IF you think anyone is watching. Keep your speed at bends and on narrow country roads as Mother Nature is clearly throwing you a challenge which you will accept as you’ve just wasted thousands that you can’t really afford on a Subaru Impreza to prop up your miserable life. If a road is blocked by a herd of animals, drive slowly at them like a large metallic goat herd until they have left the road whilst listening to your partner warble on about how nice it must be to live in the countryside. Watch out for animals on unfenced roads although the locals drive through National Parks as though they have just robbed a bank at gunpoint. If a badger is lying at the side of the road with its legs in the air it’s because a motorist has killed it. It is NOT trying to look cute.

215 Horse riders and horse-drawn vehicles. Be particularly careful of horse riders and horse-drawn vehicles especially when overtaking. Always pass wide and slowly. Horse riders are often children, and their parents will be Barristers or Magistrates, so take extra care. Take great care and treat all horses as a potential hazard, particularly when connected to a Romany carriage; both horse/driver can be unpredictable, especially with alcohol.  

216 Older drivers. Their reactions may be slower than other drivers and they MAY be wearing hats. Make allowance for them by informing your occupants or The Jeremy Vine Show that there should be compulsory re-testing at retirement age.

217 Learners and inexperienced drivers. They may not be so skilful at anticipating and responding to events. This will diminish further after they’ve passed their test. Be particularly patient with learner drivers and young drivers as they haven’t realised how much of a hurry you always need to be in the ‘Rat Race’. Drivers who have recently passed their test may display a ‘new driver’ plate or sticker, especially if it’s their parent’s car, as they don’t want their insurance premium to rival the cost of China’s Space programme.

218 Home Zones and Quiet Lanes. These are places where people used to use the whole of the road for a range of activities such as children playing or for a community event such as the end of World War II or the Wedding of Charles & Di. You should drive slowly and carefully UNLESS it’s a handy cut through, in which case be prepared to swear and make a gesturing motion with your hands (see Hand Signals). Sound your horn to alert residents who may trying to load a child seat or unload shopping of your presence and that you desperately need to get through. Try playing loud music to amplify the sense of urgency.

Other vehicles

219 Emergency and Incident Support vehicles. You should look and listen for ambulances, fire engines, police, doctors or other emergency vehicles using flashing blue, red or green lights and sirens or flashing headlights, or Incident Support vehicles using flashing amber lights. When one approaches do NOT panic, as they probably didn’t spot you suddenly dropping your speed or  your mobile below windscreen level. Consider the route of such a vehicle and take appropriate action to let it pass, while complying with all traffic signs and ignoring everyone else. If necessary, pull to the side of the road and stop, but try to avoid stopping before the brow of a hill, a bend or narrow section of road so speed up to match the emergency vehicle to get past these places. Impress other road users or pedestrians by mounting the kerb in the same way that Starsky & Hutch may have detained a pimp. Do NOT brake harshly on approach to a junction or roundabout, as a following vehicle may also be tuning their radio.

220 Powered vehicles used by disabled people. These small vehicles travel at a maximum speed of 8 mph (12 km/h). On a dual carriageway where the speed limit exceeds 50 mph (80 km/h) they MUST have a flashing amber beacon, although they are ONLY there because they are hopelessly lost and just nipped out to buy some digestive biscuits for the snooker on BBC2. On other roads you may not have that advance warning. You’ll blame the road, saying it isn’t ‘engineered’ enough. You’ll even blame the disabled person for being there in the first place. Do NOT look in a mirror as you may finally realise where the problem really is. [Law RVLR reg 17(1) & 26]

221 Large vehicles. These may need extra road space to turn or to deal with a hazard that you are not able to see. If you are following a large vehicle, such as a bus or articulated lorry, be aware that the driver may not be able to see your simmering fury in the mirrors. Be prepared to stop and wait and make loud huffing/tutting noises if it needs room or time to turn, otherwise try and overtake them at EVERY opportunity.

Rule 221 Try and be patient for the.....oh, never mind

222 Large vehicles can block your view. Your ability to see and to plan ahead will be improved if you attempt to overtake them at every opportunity. TRY and be patient, as you can when away from a steering wheel, as larger vehicles are subject to lower speed limits than cars and motorcycles. Many large vehicles may be fitted with speed limiting devices which will restrict speed to 56 mph (90 km/h) even on a motorway. If all cars were fitted with the same devices, there would NOT need to be as many rules or deaths or serious injury but society won’t discuss this for some reason.

223 Buses, coaches and trams. Give priority to these vehicles when you can do so safely. If they signal to pull away from stops, increase your speed and try to get round them. Look out for people getting off a bus or tram and crossing the road as they will clearly be poorer than you because they are NOT in a car.

224 Electric vehicles. Be careful of electric vehicles such as milk floats and trams as they will hold you up. Trams move quickly but silently and cannot steer to avoid you. If you thought they could than do NOT go anywhere near a car, or do anything involving thought.

225 Vehicles with flashing amber beacons. These warn of a slow-moving or stationary vehicle such as a Traffic Officer vehicle (non-important), salt spreader, snow plough (you’ll be bunking off work by that stage anyway) or recovery vehicle or abnormal loads or cheap wedding reception DJ, so approach with caution. On unrestricted dual carriageways, motor vehicles first used on or after 1 January 1947 with a maximum speed of 25 mph (40 km/h) or less (such as tractors or old people) MUST use a flashing amber beacon (also see Rule 220).  [Law RVLR 1989, reg 17]

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The Highway Code (Rules for Cyclists) – The Lo Fidelity Bicycle Club Version

Please find below the ‘Rules for Cyclists’ as outlined in The Highway Code adapted by me to give more accuracy (in my humble opinion).

59 Clothing.

You should wear

• a cycle helmet which conforms to current regulations, is the correct size and securely fastened. It won’t necessarily help, but will make motorists think they can drive like lunatics around you because you are ‘protected’ and make cycling look much more dangerous than it actually is, putting everybody else off cycling. Which is exactly the desire of motor companies (like Volvo and Fiat), that funnily enough actively promote helmet use.

• appropriate clothes for cycling. Avoid clothes which may get tangled in the chain, or in a wheel or may obscure your lights. Do NOT wear lycra as that is very, very bad and our obese society will judge you for some reason.

• light-coloured or fluorescent clothing which helps other road users to see you in daylight and poor light because normally they can’t be bothered to look for you unless you’re lit up like a Mardi Gras carnival float

• reflective clothing and/or accessories (belt, arm or ankle bands) in the dark for that extra nerdy/librarian look

60 At night your cycle MUST have white front and red rear lights lit. It MUST also be fitted with a red rear reflector. White front reflectors and spoke reflectors will also help you to be seen. Flashing lights are permitted but it is recommended that cyclists who are riding in areas without street lighting use a steady front lamp. HOWEVER if your bike has been stolen or cost £20 at a car boot sale and you merely wish to get to the bookies/public house (Wetherspoons ONLY)/next crime scene then why are you even attempting to read this? [Law RVLR regs 13, 18 & 24)]

61 Cycle Routes and Other Facilities.

Use cycle routes, advanced stop lines, cycle boxes and toucan crossings unless at the time it is unsafe to do so. Use of these facilities is not compulsory and will depend on your experience and skills which you will need lots of because the facilities are normally designed by someone having an epileptic fit. But they can make your journey safer IF you are the last person on Earth and even then they are a waste of time and space.

62 Cycle Tracks.

These are normally located away from the road, but may normally be found on footpaths or pavements. Cyclists and pedestrians may be segregated or they may share the same space (unsegregated). When using segregated tracks you MUST keep to the side intended for cyclists (until another cyclist approaches when you both suddenly realise it’s too narrow) as the pedestrian side remains a pavement or footpath. Take care when passing pedestrians, especially children, older or disabled people. Everyone will drift into the cycle lane for no reason, usually plugged into a phone. Always be prepared to slow down and stop if necessary as they wander about aimlessly. Take care near road junctions as you will have difficulty seeing other road users, who will not notice you. You might as well be using the road instead of this poorly designed, dangerous drivel. Otherwise it’s like given the choice of watching either Love Island or Big Brother. At gunpoint.  [Law HA 1835 sect 72]

63 Cycle Lanes.

These are marked by a white line (which will be entered by ALL other road traffic) along the carriageway. Keep within the lane when practicable through all the sunken drain covers and broken glass. When leaving a cycle lane check before pulling out that it is safe to do so and signal your intention clearly to other road users which will be ignored. Use of cycle lanes is not compulsory and will depend on your experience and skills, but they can make your journey safer if you are in Copenhagen or Amsterdam or Groningen or Germany or anywhere else EXCEPT the UK.

64 You MUST NOT cycle on a pavement UNLESS the Council has painted a white bicycle on it. There is a difference APPARENTLY. [Laws HA 1835 sect 72 & R(S)A 1984, sect 129]

65 Bus Lanes.

Most bus lanes may be used by cyclists as indicated on signs. Watch out for people getting on or off a bus. Be very careful when overtaking a bus or leaving a bus lane as you will be entering a busier traffic flow and the bus driver thinks he/she is at Le Mans. Do not pass between the kerb and a bus when it is at a stop UNLESS you’re unbelievably thin.

66 You should

• keep both hands on the handlebars except when signalling or changing gear or sticking the finger up at yet another example of incompetent driving

• keep both feet on the pedals UNLESS you are trying to do a really cool trick to impress your friends to justify owning a BMX whilst in your 20’s.

• never ride more than two abreast, and ride in single file on narrow or busy roads and when riding round bends. You’ll get abuse from motorists that confuse ‘a country drive’ with ‘Paris – Dakar Rally’ anyway.

• not ride close behind another vehicle UNLESS it’s slowed down just after overtaking you for a sudden turn or speed camera or police patrol car.

• not carry anything which will affect your balance or may get tangled up with your wheels or chain such as barbed wire, which MAY be the only thing that stops motorists passing so closely.

• be considerate of other road users, particularly blind and partially sighted pedestrians. Let them know you are there when necessary, for example, by ringing your bell if you have one. Try using common courtesy, which is an ancient craft that died out years ago.

67 You should

• look all around before moving away from the kerb, turning or manoeuvring, to make sure it is safe to do so. Give a clear signal to show other road users what you intend to do. This will be ignored.

• look well ahead for obstructions in the road, such as drains, pot-holes and parked vehicles so that you do not have to swerve suddenly to avoid them. Leave plenty of room when passing parked vehicles and watch out for doors being opened or pedestrians stepping into your path, particularly heavy users of mobile phones, the lemmings that they are.

• be aware of traffic coming up behind you. They know not what they are doing.

• take extra care near road humps, narrowings and other traffic calming features . They are supposed to improve road safety. In reality, they turn something as simple and easy as riding a bicycle into some form of gladiatorial combat and were designed by the person that devised the course for ‘Extreme Wipeout’.

• take care when overtaking. Wave to stationary traffic and smile to indicate you are passing them safely. This should cheer them up no end.

68 You MUST NOT

• carry a passenger unless your cycle has been built or adapted to carry one. Those carefree days are over, apparently.

• hold onto a moving vehicle or trailer UNLESS you are going for £250 on ‘You’ve been Framed’ or you live in Hill Valley.

• ride in a dangerous, careless or inconsiderate manner. The Daily Mail thinks you will anyway but ‘dangerous, careless or inconsiderate’ also describes their take on journalism.

• ride when under the influence of drink or drugs, including medicine UNLESS it’s quite nice. [Law RTA 1988 sects 24, 26, 28, 29 & 30 as amended by RTA 1991]

69 You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals. That means NOT breaking red lights. The wearing of a replica professional team kit does NOT make you immune from all traffic laws. You know you are doing wrong because of the self-righteous yet furtive look you always have when you’re doing it. FAILURE to comply means ALL OTHER ROAD USERS INCLUDING LAW ABIDING CYCLISTS and SOME OTHER PEOPLE I’VE JUST THOUGHT OF have the right to abuse you. [Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD reg 10(1)]

70 When parking your cycle

• find a conspicuous location where you think it can be seen and passers-by can ignore.

• use cycle stands or other cycle parking facilities wherever possible and do NOT let the vandalised bicycle already there with the kicked in wheels put you off in any way.

• do not leave it where it would cause an obstruction or hazard to other road users although they will find some reason to moan whatever you do.

• secure it well so that it will not fall over and become an obstruction or hazard UNLESS outside the Daily Mail offices (Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT)

71 You MUST NOT cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red. Some junctions have an advanced stop line to enable you to wait and position yourself ahead of other traffic. They will generally have motor vehicles waiting in it. [Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD regs 10 & 36(1)]

Road junctions

72 On the left. When approaching a junction on the left, vehicles will turn in front of you, out of or into the side road. Just before you turn, check for undertaking cyclists or motorcyclists. Do not ride on the inside of vehicles signalling or slowing down to turn left despite the fact they just overtook you at speed.

73 Pay particular attention to long vehicles which need a lot of room to manoeuvre at corners. Be aware that drivers may not see you. They may have to move over to the right before turning left. Wait until they have completed the manoeuvre because the rear wheels come very close to the kerb while turning. Do not be tempted to ride in the space between them and the kerb. In fact, if you see a lorry indicating or making a turn just STOP for goodness sake. The World is a brighter place with you still in it.

74 On the right. If you are turning right, check the traffic to ensure it is safe, then signal and move to the centre of the road. Allow for BMW drivers that will still overtake you even in the middle of your manoeuvre. Wait until there is a safe gap in the oncoming traffic and give a final look before completing the turn. It may be safer to wait on the left until there is a safe gap or to dismount and push your cycle across the road. No-one is going to stop as motorists are always in a terrible hurry for some reason.

75 Dual carriageways. Remember that traffic on most dual carriageways moves quicker than the speed limit but it’s acceptable because they are all experts [in their own opinions] and when an accident occurs, it is clearly a problem with the road. When crossing wait for a safe gap and cross each carriageway in turn, like Mark Cavendish on MDMA and Lucozade. Take extra care when crossing slip roads. Bear in mind the Highways Agency don’t actually want you there at all, yet can’t put a proper segregated route in because that involves thinking and doing stuff.

76 Roundabouts can be hazardous ONLY if motorists are about and should be approached with care.

Roundabouts

77 You may feel safer walking your cycle round on the pavement or verge. If you decide to ride round keeping to the left-hand lane you should

• be aware that drivers may not easily see you as they will be tuning into a different station from Radio 2 as we’re all supposed to hate Chris Evans now.

• take extra care when cycling across exits. You may need to signal right to show you are not leaving the roundabout and that you exist

• watch out for vehicles crossing your path to leave or join the roundabout or do whatever they bloody well like

78 Give plenty of room to long vehicles on the roundabout as they need more space to manoeuvre. Do not ride in the space they need to get round the roundabout. It may be safer to stop and go to a nearby pub to wait until they have cleared the roundabout. And then a couple of other lorries after that.

Crossing the road

79 Do not ride across equestrian crossings, as they are for horse riders only. Do not ride across a pelican, puffin or zebra crossing. Dismount and wheel your cycle across EVEN if you are wearing a hooded top with the hood up smoking a B&H on a ‘Mountain Bike’ where only the wheels are working.

80 Toucan crossings. These are light-controlled crossings which allow cyclists and pedestrians to share crossing space and cross at the same time. They are push-button operated. Pedestrians and cyclists will see the green signal together. Cyclists are permitted to ride across and will inevitably get in the way of a pedestrian who will write to the local paper because they are a bloody stupid idea.

81 Cycle-only crossings. Very rare. Cycle tracks on opposite sides of the road may be linked by signalled crossings. You may ride across but you MUST NOT cross until the green cycle symbol is showing. Try to ignore the hatred simmering from the motorists you’ve stopped as you’ve added about 10 seconds on to their journey time. Do NOT forget to press the ‘Wait’ button again on the other side as courtesy to other cyclists who may be approaching. Somewhere. [Law TSRGD regs 33(2) & 36(1)]

82 Level crossings/Tramways. Take extra care when crossing the tracks (see Rule 306). You should dismount at level crossings where a ‘cyclist dismount’ sign is displayed. Then feel a little foolish when you see the replacement bus service pulling out from the station car park.

The next exciting installment is here